True colors ( like a rainbow )

Her energy was confident, and her body language was so masculine. But she was definitely a few years older than me, which also made me a bit more anxious.

She asked me if I was single or in a relationship, and I told her that I was in a relationship.

We continued our conversation for a few more minutes, and when we said goodbye to each other, she gave me a flirtatious look, and smiled broadly. Then she left for the night.

I was flattered, but also confused by my own feelings.

The next few days I had the same strange feeling inside of me, that I had felt when I encountered this woman.

I thought about her several times, but I also felt some sort of fear while having these thoughts.

But considering I was still in a relationship at the time, I didn't think much more of it – until we broke up a few months later.

Then I thought of her again. The mysterious person, woman – who made me feel these strange and unfamiliar feelings inside of me. I became curious. Who was she? What was her name? How old was she? And where did she come from?

I tried to find her by doing a deep search on Facebook and Google, but I couldn't find her. There was nothing. No name, no trace, no number, and no address to look after. Nothing. She was completely gone.


Around three years later, in one of my last years in high school, I became really good friends with this super feminine girl who was in the same class as me.

This girl always looked so beautiful and stunning every day. She had a really good taste in style, and her makeup was always 100% flawless.

Her voice was high-pitched and playful, and her body language and the way she spoke was so soft, and so feminine, and when she smiled – I sincerely believed that she could melt just about anyone's heart.


One time during class, she put her hand on my arm, looked at me intensely, and asked me if I could draw her. At the time, I didn't feel skilled enough to make portrait drawings, but she wanted me to try anyway.

I hesitantly agreed to it, and started drawing her. And after a few minutes she asked me if she should look forward or to the side, and I told her that she could choose.

Then she put her right elbow on her desk, tilted her head over to the side and leaned it against the inside of her palm. The right side of her cheek became slightly smushed, and she looked at me and smiled.

While I was looking at her, I experienced the same unfamiliar and strange feeling that I had felt three years earlier. The only difference was that now I also felt a pinch of butterflies in my stomach.

I looked into her eyes, and I felt slightly hypnotized for a few seconds. Suddenly I was not paying attention to the drawing anymore.

I tried to focus for the next minutes, but I was annoyed because I wasn’t satisfied with the drawing. She wanted me to continue, but I personally thought that it looked like a first attempt by a 12 year old. Therefore, I crumpled the drawing and called it quits.

For the next months, there were several incidents where my classmate would put her hand on my arm while she was laughing, or when we were talking about something exciting that needed to be expressed through body language. (And - I didn’t mind).

However.. It also made me start to question my sexuality, because I was starting to have thoughts and dreams that I had never had before. And I became very insecure about myself because I didn’t understand what I was feeling.

Around the same time that I had started questioning myself, me and of my girl(friends) had just had our birthdays, so we decided to buy each other's presents (for ourselves) at H&M. We found some really cute underwear that we wanted to buy, so we went to the register to pay. And I remember that the cashier was super bubbly and cute, and seemed really excited for us.

I instantly started to panic, and suddenly felt a strong need to explain that:
«We are buying birthday presents to ourselves, because we had birthdays around the same time. And this is a friendship present!»

Later on that day, me and my friend went over to her house, and we talked about what happened in the store. I told her that I had started to have these dreams and thoughts about my classmate, and she asked me how I felt about that.

She could tell that I was fearful and insecure while talking about it, and she told me that it was okay to have these feelings and thoughts.

It wasn’t until almost three years later, that I managed to become more secure in my sexuality. Because a few months after I had started to question myself during that year in high school, I started dating a new guy, and we ended up being in a long term relationship for the next 5 years of my life.

So because of the fact that I had gotten into a new relationship (with a guy), it was difficult to understand or let alone explore my sexuality, because I was already in a relationship.

Growing up, I had a lot of fear-based programming engraved inside me, because during my childhood and teenage years, there had been a lot of homophobic comments thrown out in the open. (From both adults, young adults and teens). But especially from the boys that we went to school with. A lot of them were really homophobic and downright mean (obviously because they were insecure themselves).

And the only instance that I had heard of someone being bisexual at that point, was a girl that we went to high school with. But there were so many who didn’t believe her, because everyone said that she was only “making things up to get attention".

I had also heard a lot of people speaking of bisexuals in general, and so many of them would say that they didn’t believe that anyone could actually be bisexual, and that “the only reason that someone would say they were bisexual, was because they still hadn’t figured out if they were gay or lesbian yet”.

So my whole point of telling this story, is that from my own experience, I learned that it was only when I was insecure about my sexuality and myself, that I became fearful of being judged. (Like the time I was at H&M with my friend).

And growing up, I always heard the phrase «I don’t care if they are gay or lesbian, as long as they don’t try to hit on me!!»

Like, why would that trigger you so much? Why would you be so triggered by someone hitting on you, unless that was something that you were in fact insecure about?

And speaking from my own experience (again), I remember that during those three years when I was insecure about myself, I was at a club with my friends, and there was this older woman in her 40's who tried to hit on me on the dance floor. And I remember that I became soo triggered by it, that I actually asked my friends if I «looked lesbian».

Again – the only reason that I became so triggered by these things, was because I was deeply insecure about my own sexuality and myself.

And it almost took me 6 years to sort out all the pieces of the puzzle. And by that, I mean by understanding myself and accepting that I was in fact both attracted to men and women.

And I’m sure most of us have heard stories of other people, who have been the biggest homophobic bullies most of their life, and then you suddenly hear about them coming out of the closet one day. Makes no sense, right?

Well, the truth is; that the people who are the biggest homophobic bullies, are actually the ones who are the most insecure about their own sexuality. The bigger the bully = the more suppressed their sexuality is.

And of course I do know that there’s a lot of people who have been taught to become homophobic because of their religious beliefs, or because their family or caregivers have been homophobic while they were growing up. But otherwise, if people are triggered by LGBTQ rights, are homophobic, or have the need to spread homophobic comments – remember that it’s usually (almost always) because they are the ones who are actually very insecure themselves.



So shine your light bright, and shine them with your true colors


. . .  Like a rainbow.



« Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast,
it is not proud.
It does not dishonour others,
it is not self-seeking,
it is not easily angered,
and it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil
but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts,
always hopes,
and always perseveres.
Love never fails. »